31 Reasons To Be Grateful For Your Pain

When we’re in pain, we tend to feel sorry for ourselves, and focus on the pain in a self-pitying way, which of course, makes it far worse. If we can shift to feeling grateful for the pain, we open ourselves to the lessons that the experience has for us. So here are 31 reasons to feel gratitude for pain.

                         

1. Pain is a great teacher. Life is so intoxicating, that we often miss the lesson life is giving us. But pain gets our attention like nothing else can.
2. Pain makes life interesting. Life would be much duller without pain.
3. Pain lets you know you’re alive. There is only a brief period in the life of the soul where we get to experience pain. Before we come to earth, there is no pain, nor is there pain after we die. Pain is the privilege of living on the earth, the price of admission for the manifestation of your being in all its glory.
4. Pain reminds you of the fragility of life.
5. By bringing your mortality to your attention, pain reminds you that life is a great opportunity. How are you seizing that opportunity today?
6. Pain means you are going through rapid growth. We often forget this, because the larger design of our life is unclear to us.
7. Pain matures you. People who have experienced a lot of pain seem older. Will that experience translate into wisdom?
8. Pain gives you sympathy for others.
9. Pain is an experience that all living beings share, and it can connect you to the experience of the whole of life.
10. Pain softens your heart.
11. Pain is an opportunity to be brave. Among some of the Native peoples of the Americas, it was seen as a loss of face for a warrior to be captured in combat. To show a captured warrior kindness, his captors would torture him to death slowly, leaving the marks of torture on his body for his tribe to find. This restored his honor, giving him a place in the lore of his tribe, and was called ‘showing brave’. This is an extreme example, but it may help you to deal with your own pain to think of it as an opportunity to handle it with nobility.
12. Pain clears the way for inspiration, like a draft of cold crisp air clears your lungs.
13. Pain deepens the experience of joy. Just as light and shadow are both necessary to perceive form, joy and pain give meaning to each other, enriching the experience of life.
14. Pain teaches you to be grateful for the little things. I injured my floating rib  once doing martial arts, and it hurt a lot during the day, when I was laying down at night, and at lots of other times. It really makes me grateful for the times when my body feels strong and whole.
15. Pain that you experience over time teaches you patience.
16. Pain helps you to surrender. There are many times when we must endure a pain we cannot control. What a beautiful opportunity to surrender to the will of the One Being.
17. Pain teaches you acceptance. Sometimes the pain will go away when we have fully accepted it.
18. Pain can teach you that you are in control of your experience. If you anticipate and fear the pain, you make it worse. If you tell yourself the pain is beneath you, it gets better. If you tell yourself the pain is merely strong sensation, it becomes so.
19. Pain breaks open even the hardest heart.
20. Pain lets you know where your wounds are. All of us have sensitive hearts, whether we are aware of it or not. We may try to cover it up or protect ourselves, but our hearts feel pain and receive wounds. These wounds bring us pain, and its an opportunity to create healing.
21. Feeling pain is much better than feeling nothing.
22. Pain teaches you the value of sacrifice. Giving up something that is dear to you because of something else that is more important is one of the greatest of human qualities, and the key to accomplishment, friendship, and love. Sacrifice and pain are bound together; without pain, sacrifice would have no meaning.
23. Pain is a loyal friend, one who will be there even if everyone else went away. Life has so few constants. It’s comforting to know that pain will be there.
24. Pain causes change, and there is no change without pain.
25. Love brings pain, and the greater the love, the greater will be the pain.
26. The pain of love creates the opportunity to be healed by love.
27. Pain brings the opportunity to triumph over self-pity.
28. Pleasure lulls you to sleep, but pain wakes you up. In the continual awakening of life, pain is the alarm clock.
29. Pain allows you to confront fear. With every painful experience, you have the opportunity to work with your fear; you can endure this, what’s so bad about whatever it is you fear?
30. Enduring pain builds mastery.
31. Pain connects you to some of the greatest human beings who have ever lived. Jesus could not have become Christ without the pain of the crucifixion. I have great admiration for Joan of Arc, Mansur al Hallaj, Noor Inayat Khan, and for the countless others who suffered pain, torment and death for their beliefs. If every pain I experience brings me closer to these beings, it’s worth it.

11 Ways to Build Mastery (Plus, the Essence of Self-Control)

Can you be too disciplined? Can you have too much self-control, too much mastery? If mastery is properly understood, then the answer is no, you can never have too much mastery.

Of course, you can repress your emotions, you can be in denial, you can be controlling and abusive toward others. But that is not real mastery, not self-control at all. Indeed, people tend to do those things when they lack self-control. You do not abuse the weak when you feel strong; you do not manipulate others when you feel in control of yourself.

So how do you gain mastery? Here are eleven ways, in reverse order of importance:

1. Give up a food you like. Food is a fundamental pleasure of life, but how often we let that pleasure rule us. Giving up one kind of food or drink that you really like is an easy way of building mastery. Here’s a hint: don’t tell anyone you’re doing it. This will make it easier in the long run. It gets tiresome to explain every little thing you’re doing to everyone with a passing interest, and it drains your energy. With giving up a food you like, or with any of these exercises, the key is to be very specific. Decide in advance how long the exercise will last, and be specific about what you’ll be doing. To take a personal example: I will not have a Coke for 30 days, but on the 31st day, I’m going to have a big, frosty Coca Cola with lots of ice. Track your results in a journal or on a calendar!
2. Wake up early (or go to sleep late). Ah, sleep! Another of life’s great pleasures. Have you ever noticed that you can get too much sleep? I get a kind of “sleep hangover” if I sleep in too long (at least, that is what I dimly recall from before I had two little ones). If waking up early is hard for you, then you should wake up early. Perhaps you’re the kind of person who already wakes up early and goes to sleep early? Well, try staying up late and still waking up early. The point is to take something away that you like or are used to having. Again, be specific about how long the exercise will last and keep to it. If it’s wake up at a certain time one day, or three days, keep to it, even if it doesn’t seem important. Make a molehill into a mountain. It’s very helpful to have the ability to sleep and wake at will, and this exercise helps with that.
3. Give up a pleasure that you’re addicted to. What are you addicted to? We’ve all got something. Habits creep up on you over time. You know it’s an addiction when you have a tough time breaking it. Maybe it’s a little thing, like having sugar in your tea (that was one of mine that I recently gave up). Maybe it’s driving fast, or listening to the radio at a certain time. Decide what you’re going to change, make it specific, and follow through with it, e.g. “I will not exceed 60 mph for the next week”.
4. Make finishing things (even very small things) a habit. There’s a knot in a piece of string that you’re trying to untie, then you say, “forget it, it doesn’t matter”. Untie it. Recognize that all of life is a kind of a battle, and that each part of it can be decisive, no matter how insignificant it may seem. Of course, you should try not to take on unimportant tasks, but once they are begun, finish them.
5. Sit still. Or stand still. Or stand on one foot. Our bodies are made for movement, and to hold still can feel like a torment. Do you see a pattern emerging here? Mastery is like breaking a horse, except it’s the most sensitive, difficult, touchy horse in the world, a horse who wants to throw you off every second, yet at the same time desperately wants to be ridden: your own self. But once you can ride this horse, there is no place it will not take you. Decide how long you will sit still for, e.g. “I will sit still for 5 minutes”. If you fail, try again. A secret technique for being still: pay attention to your breath.
6. Hold your breath. There is a very specific way of breathing that has a foundational effect on your self-control. It’s called the Square Breath. In a nutshell, the Square Breath is breathe out 8 heartbeats, breathe in 8 beats, and hold for 16 beats. (The number is not important, but the ratio is extremely important: hold for the same length of time as the inhale and exhale combined, and only hold after the inhale.) Practice the exercise for a while first, then decide how many Square Breaths you will do, and try to attain that number. If you miss, try again. Notice the effect this has on you. In my experience, the effect has been quite dramatic, especially if I do 20 or more in a row.
7. Do something that scares you. What do you fear? When I was a child, I was afraid of heights. So I climbed trees, as high as I could. Fear is a cruel captor. Make your escape! Maybe your fear is more subtle, like you are afraid of being betrayed, abandoned, or disappointed. Maybe you’re afraid to succeed. Confronting these fears may be more difficult, but this means the payoff is also greater. Again, be specific about how you will go about it. If you fear sharing your feelings, then you might say, “I will tell 5 people in my life ‘I love you’”.
8. Attain a goal that you care about. The key here is to be specific. Do you want to be stronger? Develop a way to measure that, like “deadlift 300 pounds”. Then make a plan for how to attain it. Then do something each day that will bring you closer to your goal. It should be something you care about, because life is short. Choose a goal as an exercise in bringing about what you desire. Be smart about it. Recognize that big accomplishments take time. Choose something you can do in 9 months, give or take 3 months.
9. Hold your tongue when you really want to speak. Talking is a kind of intoxication, a release of energy and emotion. Control yourself by holding your tongue. There is a nice Buddhist practice that comes to mind here. Before you speak, ask yourself three questions: “Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?” You can tune this exercise by making it specific. Is there a certain kind of thing you tend to say that you’d rather not? Let’s say it’s being critical of others. Then go on a “criticism fast” for 30 days. Mark on your calendar the days you succeeded.
10. Control your anger when you’re really upset. Like speech, giving in to anger is a great intoxication, especially for those who are prone to anger, such as myself. Control over anger is an example of emotional control, which is difficult and extremely valuable. The goal is to be able to feel all your emotions, but choose the time and manner of their expression. Turn anger into determination, and use it to do something you couldn’t do without that emotion.
11. Confront the fear of death by breathing all the way out. There are two secrets to mastery. The first is: control your breath. If you learn to control the most fundamental aspect of your life, then you gain self-control in a fundamental way. The breath can be thought of in three parts: exhalation, inhalation, and holding of the breath. The key part of the breath to control, the part that will yield the biggest payoff in self-mastery and confronting fear, is the exhalation. The reason is that the exhalation brings you closer and closer to the point where there is no air in the lungs, which is much like the moment of death. So breathing all the way out brings you close to death, allowing you to confront the fear of death while you are still alive (and without doing anything crazy or dangerous). This is valuable, because the fear of death is a very real limitation.

The first secret of mastery is to control your breath; the second secret is the Essence of Self Control: Say “I Can”. It may seem simple, but saying “I Can” is the cornerstone of every accomplishment, every act of overcoming, and every breakthrough. The ability to say “I Can” is an energy, which you can gain by a regular practice of energizing your heart.

The 7 Habits of Highly Ineffective People

 

The thing about habits is that for good and bad they require no thinking. An established habit, whether getting ready for work in the morning or having a whiskey after, is a pattern of behavior we’ve adopted—we stick to it regardless of whether it made sense when we initially adopted it, and whether it makes sense to continue with it years later.  From a human irrationality perspective this means that something we do “just once” can wind up becoming a habit and part of our activities for a longer time than we envisioned.

To get some insight into this process, consider the following experiment:  We asked a large number of people to write the last two digits of their Social Security number at the top of a page, and then asked them to translate their number into dollars (79 became $79), and to indicate if in general they’d buy various bottles of wine and computer accessories for that much money. Then we moved to the main part of the experiment and we let them actually bid on the products in an auction.  After we found the highest bidders, took their money and gave them the products we calculated the relationship between their two digits and how much they were willing to pay for these products.

Lo and behold, what we found is that people who had lower ending Social Security numbers (for example 32), ended up paying much less than people who had higher ending Social Security numbers (for example 79).  This is basically the power of our first decisions: if people first consider a low price decision (would I pay $32 for this bottle of 1998 Cote du Rhone?) they end up only willing to pay a low amount for it, but if they first consider a high price decision (would I pay $79 for this bottle of 1998 Cote du Rhone?) they end up willing to pay a lot more.

So this is the double-edged sword of habits, they can save us time, energy and unpleasant thinking, but on the other hand, it’s all too easy to start down an unwholesome path. Now onto “ The 7 Habits Of Highly Ineffective People”…

1) Procrastination. Joys untold attend this particular bad habit. And it’s one people indulge in all the time, exercise, projects at work, calling the family, doing paperwork, and so on. Each time we face a decision between completing a slightly annoying task now and putting it off for later, battle for self-control ensues. If we surrender, procrastination wins.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with delaying unpleasant tasks at work from time to time in order to watch a (crucial) football game at the pub with friends.  But, the problem is that as we get close to our deadline we start thinking differently about the whole decision.  As we stay up all night to finish a task on time we start wondering what were we thinking when we succumbed to the temptation of the football game, and why didn’t we start on the task a week earlier.  Moreover, as with all habits one procrastination leads to another and soon we get used to watching deadlines as they zoom by.

2) The planning fallacy. This is more or less what it sounds like; it’s our tendency to vastly underestimate the amount of time we’ll require to complete a task. This hardly needs illustration, but for the sake of clarity, recall the last time you delegated time to a complex task. Cleaning your flat from top to bottom (couldn’t take more than two hours right? Wrong.); finishing the paper or project at hand (who knew the people in department X could be so impossibly slow?). The problem is that even if we try to plan for delays, we can’t imagine them all. What if the person you’re working out a deal with gets hospitalized? What if an important document gets deleted or lost? There are infinite possible delays (procrastination of course being one of them), and because there are so many, we end up not taking them into account.

3) Texting while driving. Let me start by saying that in my class of 200 Master’s students, 197 admitted not only to doing this regularly, but also to having made driving mistakes while doing so. Also, one of the three abstainers in the class was physically blind, so we should not really count him as a saint, and who knows maybe the other two were liars. Texting while driving is clearly very stupid.  If we were not intimately familiar with our own Texting behavior, we might think that it’s insane to think that anyone would knowingly increase their chances of dying 10 fold rather than waiting a few minutes to check email, but this is the reality.  Moreover, the issue here is not just Texting, it is much more general than this particular bad habit.  The basic issue has to do with succumbing to short-term desires and foregoing long-term benefits.  Across many areas in our life, when temptation strikes we very often succumb to it (think about your commitment to always wearing a condom when you are not aroused and when you are).  And we do this over and over and over.

4) Checking email too much. If it seems that there’s too much about email on this list, I assure you, there isn’t. Checking email is addictive in the same way gambling is. You see, years back the famous psychologist B.F. Skinner discovered that rats would work much harder if the rewards were unpredictable (rather than a treat every 5 times they pressed a bar, one would come after 4, then 13, etc). This is the same as email, most of it is junk, but every so often, it’s fantastic: an email from the woman you’ve been chasing for instance. So we distract ourselves from work by constantly checking and checking and waiting to hit the email jackpot. And to be perfectly honest, I’ve checked my email at least 30 times since starting writing this article.

5) Relativity in salary. The fatter a sea lion is, the more sea lionesses he has in his harem. He doesn’t need to be immense, just slightly bigger than the others (too fat and he won’t make it out of the water). As it turns out, it’s the same for salaries; we don’t figure out how much we need to be satisfied, we just want to make more than the people around us. More than our co-workers, more than our neighbors, and more than our wife’s sister’s husband.  The first sad thing about our desire to compare is that our happiness depends less on us, and more on the people around us.  The second sad thing is that we often make decisions that make it harder for us to be happy with our comparisons: Would you prefer to get a 50,000 pound salary where salaries range from 40,000-50,000 or a 55,000 pound salary where they’re between 55,000-65,000? If you’re like almost everyone, you’d realize that you would be happier with the 50,000 pound salary, but you would pick the 55,000.

6) Overoptimism. Everyone, except for the very depressed, overestimates their chances when it comes to good things like getting a raise, not getting a divorce, parking illegally without getting a ticket. It’s natural—no one gets married thinking “I am so going to be divorced in 4 years”, and yet a large number of people end up getting divorced.  Like other bad habits, overoptimism is not all bad.  It helps us take risks like opening a business (even though the vast majority fail) or working to develop new medicines (which take many years and usually don’t pan out). Ironically overoptimism often tends to work out well for society (new restaurants, cures for disease) while endangering the individuals who take them (financial ruin, stress-induced insanity).  Sadly we are often overoptimistic – my most recent example of this was just a few hours ago when I sat down to write an essay entitled: “The 7 Habits Of Highly Ineffective People.”  If I only didn’t go out last night…..